Sunday, January 9, 2011

An Ode to Hate on a Sunday Afternoon


I hate lots of things. I'm not even ashamed of it.

I hate organised fun, including cards and board games and team building activities and team sports. I hate savoury muffins and savoury scones, and actually I hate muffins in general because they are just ugly cupcakes. I hate when people try and put sweet toppings on bread, because BREAD IS A SAVOURY FOOD. I hate when people use the word 'Kiwis'. I hate when people use the word 'Aussies'. I hate the Air New Zealand Rugby World Cup safety adverts. I hate Jetstar even more than I hate Air New Zealand. I hate when people tell me to 'check out' something, because I will more than likely NEVER CHECK IT OUT if you use that phrase. I hate it when beauty products are discontinued. I hate dried fruit and fruit cake and marmalade and jam. I hate the Phoenix Cola that is flavoured with honey. I hate when restaurants don't have a chocolate flavoured dessert. I hate mixed berries and blackberries and black currant and sometimes blueberries, because obviously the raspberry is the queen of berries. I hate when things are raspberry and white chocolate flavoured, because it is such a fucking waste of raspberries and WHY CAN'T YOU GIVE ME THE REAL CHOCOLATE. I hate wearing a cotton top AND a cotton skirt. I hate not having enough condiments. I hate getting charged extra for condiments. I hate when people put celery in potato salad. I hate it when there isn't enough feta. I hate the rubbery stalky bit on portobello mushrooms. I hate shittake mushrooms. I hate sow crates. I hate that rapey Christmas song 'Baby It's Cold Outside'. I mostly hate the Simpsons and I fucking hate Family Guy and I hate animation. I hate Science Fiction. I hate the Big Bang Theory (the show, not evolution). I hate when people say that 'hate is a strong word' because that is the fucking point, actually. I hate that Ben Harper song about stealing kisses. I hate Paul Henry. I hate John Key. I hate the rain. I hate noisy construction work. I hate buskers. I hate camping. I hate tramping. I hate the outdoors and usually I hate scenery because I maintain that it's just rocks and water (and I could look at that from inside thank you very much.) I hate adventure tourism. I hate when cafes don't have hollandaise and I hate paying extra for soy milk. I hate moths. I hate Matthew McConaughey and Kanye West and Jennifer Garner. I hate outer space. I hate top sheets. I hate bok choy. I hate the noise that skateboards make. I hate the new lids on super pump drink bottles.

And I fucking hate this fucking billboard.


I am fucking unimpressed with this billboard. It makes me want to use all kinds of ableist language (like stupid and lame and idiotic) that I am really trying not to use anymore.


This billboard also makes me feel violent, which isn't exactly helpful.

This billboard (or whatever you call an advertisement placed in one of these weird shell things) makes me want to run straight to the dairy and buy a pack of Malboros so I can chain smoke them all in a row, even though I haven't had a cigarette in like, two years. I do not care about your relationship criteria at all, Ido Drent. I don't want to be your girlfriend. THE VERY SLIGHT POSSIBILITY THAT ONE DAY YOU VERY WELL COULD MAYBE BE THE GIRLFRIEND OF A B-GRADE CELEBRITY IS PROBABLY NOT GOING TO MAKE ANYONE GIVE UP SMOKING. I am insulted that this would be considered such a valuable prize.

I get that Smokefree has already advertised about health benefits and lung cancer and tongue cancer and throat cancer and second hand smoke and saving money and gangrene and heart disease and the tobacco industry and every other fucking thing under the sun and that people are still smoking and it is their modus operandi to get less people smoking, so they tried something new with the Not Our Future campaign. Fine. Mostly. That advert where the celebrity-who-I-can't-remember complained about cigarettes being kept beside the milk was kind of annoying, because anyone who has been into a dairy ever knows that they're actually in pretty different parts of the shop. Like, nobody keeps cigarettes in the fridge. But that's cool, it even seems like the campaign might have been kind of successful. Which is good, I think. (Even though I'm kind of confused about where I stand on the anti-smoking lobby, because obviously smoking isn't great and tobacco companies are manipulative, lying, terrible, money-hungry fuckers and that information should be circulated so people can make their own choices BUT often those adverts are really patronizing and some of the BAD FOR YOU rhetoric comes uncomfortably close to a lot of the obesity panic rhetoric, and I really don't think that health should be a prerequisite for respect. Oh wow, that sentence is long. I just thought about deleting it. I'm not going to though, I don't think, because isn't stream-of-consciousness-writing very popular and doesn't it give you a valuable insight into my brain on a Sunday afternoon?)

What was I saying? Oh yeah. Ido Drent. Smoking. Girlfriend. Get to the point, Ally. Advertising to young ladies about how they would be more dateable and girlfriend worthy if they gave up smoking? I hate it. Placing so much cultural currency on relationships? I hate it. Assuming that every girl wants to be in a relationship with Ido Drent? I hate it. Three of the Not Our Future adverts with themes about relationship-criteria-slash-increasing-your-dating-potential-slash-smoking-is-a-turn-off adverts being aimed at girls and only one being aimed at boys AND all of them being predictably heteronormative? I hate it. I can think of a million reasons to give up smoking, if you want to, and Ido Drent isn't one of them.

28 comments:

  1. I wonder if he would go out with a boy that smokes? This ad is inciting his gay fanbase to take up smoking. For shame, Ido.

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  2. I love that you hate.

    Aroha nui,
    Jules

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  3. I think I must have been getting agitated as I read this because the underwire popped out of my bra.

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  4. Your hate is full of awesome! That ad is full of fail.

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  5. Who is Ido Drent. No, seriously - who is he? I have no idea.

    And how can you hate outer space Ally? Space is amazing. You are literally made out of stardust, we all are.

    I'm not even kidding.

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  6. Scar - I also hate when my bras break. A lot.
    Conrad - I don't know. But I know I do. Although I kind of like thinking about being made of star dust.

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  7. Conrad - I also love outer space, and I love being made up of stardust. Ally and I often have arguments about her hate for the marvel that is the universe. Once she said the BBC just gives David Attenborough a bunch of money to make expensive puppets "because they aren't even real".

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  8. So glad that haven't given up hating for the new year.

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  9. Ally, why do you hate wearing a cotton top and a cotton skirt?

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  10. Cotton on cotton phobia! Hate when there is too much of the same texture in my outfit. Also applies for cotton cardigans and cotton t-shirts. It is a new hate. I don't care when other people do this though.

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  11. I love this. And I hate when people call people haters just for hating. Hating is healthy. Everyone hates things.

    As a trying-to-give-up-smoker: When I see those ads I want to smoke. Really badly. Shaming people for smoking does not work. If the Govt is going to make money out of me smoking they should STFU and leave me alone. Also - Smoking lobbys like ASH make money out of people like me failing everytime they try to quit. They should also STFU. Raise the price of smokes, stop people smoking in bars - that's fine. But don't publicly shame smokers every chance you get. And also - if you're trying to promote the message that smoking isn't cool you're going to have to get *actually* cool people to give up smoking. This dudebro - I don't know who he is - is not cool. It's not like Lemmy is on those billboards. A case could be made about smoking not being cool if Lemmy gave up. Also - I know that smoking will kill me. So STFU. End rant.

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  12. Love this post...love how articulate you are :)

    I am afraid I am a rabid anti-smoking person although I totally get your point about this advert. What I hate is that so much money is poured into anti-smoking advertising, yet the dangers of alcohol are totally ignored.

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  13. I agree. I agree SO MUCH. Apart from anything else, I hate how this billboard reduces smokers to being defined by that one characteristic alone. In Ido's world, and presumably Smokefree's world through their endorsement of this, it doesn't matter how intelligent or kind or talented someone is - once they're a smoker that's all there is to it.

    It's like saying "I would never go out with a Christian/vegetarian/accountant/someone who wears jeggings." Those are all choices. So is smoking. It's not a great choice, fair enough, but it doesn't define your entire personality. And THOSE billboards would never see the light of day.

    (Also with you on the hollandaise.)

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  14. I hate that ad too! United in hate. I also hate the Scribe one, where he says "I envy people who don't smoke". It's such a fucking cop-out, they obviously wanted Scribe in the ads and had to figure out a way to make it legit without *actually* troubling him into *gasp* quiting. Makes me angry every time I see it.

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  15. To lay my shameful erstwhile Shortland Street-watching out there (and not that I assume anyone particularly cares!) Ido Drent plays one of the current gen of Whingy Privileged Teenagers on Shorty. Which especially doesn't help the campaign when one's immediate reaction to him is "shut up, you self-centred prat."

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  16. We hate 75% of the same things. Could this be love(hate)?

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  17. “Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.” Buddha

    You probs hate Buddha though too aye

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  18. What an inspired comment. Will I end all of the problems in the world by eating a savoury muffin in outer space?

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  19. B-grade celebrity? That's charitable!

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  20. Definitely only B-grade in the realm of New Zealand celebrities! Ha.

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  21. Only once did I see one of these posters that spoke to me: it had Auckland musician Tourettes on it and said "Smoking won't get me drunk". My reaction was "Hey! It is kind of dumb spending money on a drug that's not intoxicating!" But now that I've gone looking for it and cannot find it on the website I think it may have been satire unrelated to the official campaign. Oops.

    And I am so with you on the condiment love. Any place that is stingy with condiments does not get my business!

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  22. I really dislike this one of these ads in particular. For me, as a smoker who has quit numerous times, it just doesn't address the issue. People start smoking for various reasons. Certainly for me it wasn't to attract a prospective partner. Instead of shaming us into feeling terrible about the choices we've made about our own bodies there should be an access to support in this campaign, which is particularly missing for the younger demographic of smokers.
    On a further note, thanks I do for telling me I smell. None of my friends mind, why should you?

    I also hate space.

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  23. I hate that people smoke.

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  24. How helpful of you Steve! I suggest you continue hating them all until you make every single one of them stop smoking. I imagine it will be most effective.

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  25. hey hey, i'm about 6 months late on this (just discovered your blog). while i agree that this entire campaign is/was a trainwreck (and had 0 effect on me, as a smoker), i found it helps to console myself with the belief that all these billboards seem to be aimed at vapid, impressionable, b-grade-celeb-obsessed 14 year olds who have taken up smoking due to peer pressure, and therefore might be open to the idea of reversing the decision if they found out their favourite shortland st 'hottie' was repulsed by it. i certainly can't think of any other demographic of smokers who would be likely to give a shit. does this make it a well thought out initiative? nah, probably not. but it may mean nipping some young, idiotic habits in the bud?

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